http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Funnies Forum: Recent Posts en Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:32:06 +0000 http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=263#post-568 Mon, 13 Jun 2005 10:26:53 +0000 Anonymous 568@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A man walks into a curry take away and asks for a Chicken Tarka. "Surely you mean a Cicken Tikka", says the owner. "No" says the man, "a Chicken Tarka is similar but a little otter!!" http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=262#post-567 Mon, 13 Jun 2005 10:26:00 +0000 Anonymous 567@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ "Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher. "When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend." - US Marine Corps. "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop. "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual. "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal. "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon. "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - USAF Ammo Troop. http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=261#post-566 Mon, 13 Jun 2005 10:24:51 +0000 Anonymous 566@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A: Rupert the bastard. http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=260#post-565 Mon, 13 Jun 2005 10:23:19 +0000 Anonymous 565@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ "My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." Mark Viduka "We lost because we didn't win." - Ronaldo "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing." - Ade Akinbiyi "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." - Alan Shearer "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out." - Peter Shilton "Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." - Ugo Ehiogu "Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough." - Jonathan Woodgate "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my Right." - Lee Hendrie "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush "Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." - David Beckham "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European." - Phil Neville "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles "It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked." - Richard Rufus "There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between." - Gary Lineker "Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=259#post-564 Mon, 13 Jun 2005 10:21:51 +0000 Anonymous 564@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=258#post-563 Mon, 13 Jun 2005 10:18:40 +0000 Anonymous 563@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=252#post-545 Mon, 23 May 2005 07:55:03 +0000 Kevin 545@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress." the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter- in-law. "I would appreciate it if you left now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in- law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it." he replied. http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=250#post-542 Wed, 04 May 2005 12:36:19 +0000 Kevin 542@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ We're in more trouble than I imagined! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my friend explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.". . . I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey." I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=249#post-541 Wed, 04 May 2005 07:34:28 +0000 Kevin 541@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply Sir, you're drunk! --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly. --His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Welhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=248#post-538 Tue, 03 May 2005 08:20:18 +0000 Kevin 538@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale, hit in the early hours of Friday morning: Epicentre Barnsley England. News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the towns 35000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "choofinnorah". The earthquake decimated the town causing ????????????????????????????????? 30.00 worth of damage, several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three historical burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Barnsley reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered , still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Barnsley. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3 Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying.The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal. So far whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundstretcher.. CAN YOU HELP/ Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster: Clothing is needed most of all : especially Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops ( his or hers) Shell suits (female) White sports socks Rockfort boots or any other product from Primark Culturally sensitive foods parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES PEELING. Remember. 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims ?????????????????????????????????2 buys chips, crisps, and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9 ?????????????????????????????????5 will pay for a packet of B&amp;H and a lighter to calm a childs nerves URGENTLY REQUIRED: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russell's. Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding South Yorkshire Communities We are sure you will respond to our hardship. http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=247#post-537 Tue, 03 May 2005 08:17:13 +0000 Kevin 537@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?" http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=246#post-534 Fri, 29 Apr 2005 09:11:31 +0000 Kevin 534@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=245#post-533 Tue, 26 Apr 2005 07:16:27 +0000 Kevin 533@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ So this woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn't care. She is busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband. She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!" The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?" She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???" He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?" She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air." He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???" http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=244#post-532 Sun, 24 Apr 2005 08:23:53 +0000 Kevin 532@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton. ********** Derrick L. Richardson, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver. (For the gun-unschooled: There is much less mystery to the game if played with a semiautomatic, in which the one bullet automatically goes to the firing chamber.) http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=243#post-526 Wed, 20 Apr 2005 08:42:28 +0000 Kevin 526@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Jack was telling John about his parachuting experience. "I had all the lessons, and on my first jump the instructor opened the door and told me to jump, but I told him I wanted everyone to go first. After everyone jumped the instructor told me to go, but I told him I couldn't. The instructor tried to motivate me by saying, 'C'mon, I have trained you, you can do it!', but I said, 'No, No, I can't do it, I can't'. The instructor got really angry and said, 'YOU CAN DO IT, JUMP NOW OR I AM GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU UP THE ASS!!!'" John said, "So did you jump?" Jack replied, "Only at first". http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=236#post-516 Wed, 13 Apr 2005 19:22:31 +0000 Kevin 516@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ [url]www.wmcomputing.co.uk/btg/piccies/turbobike.jpg[/url] [url]www.wmcomputing.co.uk/btg/piccies/cigararson.jpg[/url] http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=234#post-513 Mon, 11 Apr 2005 17:42:24 +0000 Kevin 513@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ <a href="http://www.bash.org/?485109" rel="nofollow">http://www.bash.org/?485109</a> http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=232#post-511 Mon, 11 Apr 2005 07:35:42 +0000 Kevin 511@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs. "Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun. "Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the second nun. No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield. "Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared. "Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun. No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack. "NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun. The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly. The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off the fucking car, you asshole!!" http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=231#post-510 Sat, 09 Apr 2005 16:49:29 +0000 Kevin 510@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ <a href="http://www.langerland.com/cartoons/brits.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.langerland.com/cartoons/brits.html</a> This one is not office safe... http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=230#post-509 Sat, 09 Apr 2005 08:24:09 +0000 Kevin 509@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A little boy was sitting on the side of the road playing with a little vial of turpentine. He would turn the vial over, watch the bubble, turn the vial over watch the bubble. Along comes the priest, and he asks the little boy, "Hello there young fellow. What you got there?" The little boy replies, "This here is the most powerful liquid in the world Mr. Preacher!" The priest replies, "No son, holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world." The little boy looks up at the priest, and asks, "How do you figure that Mr. Preacher?" The priest says,"If you put two drops of holy water on a pregnant lady she will pass a baby boy or girl." The little boy looks up at the priest and says, "That ain't shit! You put two drops of this on a cat's ass, and it will pass a motorcycle." http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=229#post-507 Fri, 08 Apr 2005 07:54:19 +0000 Kevin 507@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven and meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run any more?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you have been here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you have been sending by are the best!! http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=226#post-501 Thu, 07 Apr 2005 08:01:03 +0000 Kevin 501@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn. I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake. Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do. To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, And I cross my legs to avoid surprise! http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=221#post-489 Tue, 29 Mar 2005 08:10:26 +0000 Kevin 489@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?" The guy replies, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist! What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!" http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=220#post-488 Sat, 26 Mar 2005 06:48:30 +0000 Kevin 488@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself." http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=218#post-484 Fri, 25 Mar 2005 06:51:43 +0000 Kevin 484@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Darwin Award Candidates II 6/97 - A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000- ton wheat train and was dragged in his car more than a kilometer before being slammed into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked for help. The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing. The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest njuries. ---------------------------------------------- Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims didn't notice that his truck had smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the police stopped his car. Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her boy friends 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday - she was vomiting - when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a pole and she died instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36, kept driving. Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several miles later - its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims told police that he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was sick. "Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he had killed her." ---------------------------------------------- On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice: 1. The target was H&amp;J Leather &amp; Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. ---------------------------------------------- Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver. ---------------------------------------------- MOSCOW, RUSSIA -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet- proof vest to see if it protected him against the knife. It didn't and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. ---------------------------------------------- Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died ... of exposure!!! http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=217#post-483 Fri, 25 Mar 2005 06:47:39 +0000 Kevin 483@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and the bitch sleeps with everyone but YOU! http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=211#post-446 Tue, 15 Mar 2005 06:54:40 +0000 Kevin 446@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!" His friend agrees and goes out to his car. They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?" The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife." The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know." The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here." http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=210#post-445 Fri, 11 Mar 2005 12:34:33 +0000 Anonymous 445@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ [GROAN] http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=210#post-444 Fri, 11 Mar 2005 12:15:16 +0000 Kevin 444@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A guy from Alabama was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the guy complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," said the man, "shoving them up my ass?" http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=205#post-430 Sat, 05 Mar 2005 13:34:04 +0000 Kevin 430@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ <a href="http://www.bash.org/?469064" rel="nofollow">http://www.bash.org/?469064</a> http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=199#post-415 Tue, 01 Mar 2005 19:26:07 +0000 Kevin 415@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!! One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yethere a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child." http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=197#post-412 Mon, 28 Feb 2005 07:49:28 +0000 Kevin 412@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it." http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=196#post-411 Sun, 27 Feb 2005 09:11:45 +0000 Kevin 411@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard Get a water softener. Your dog has worms Give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs, Put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant It ain't yours---get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=195#post-410 Sun, 27 Feb 2005 09:08:42 +0000 Kevin 410@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ Zachary Syndrome Mary is a middle aged woman, she is in the middle of her sexual prime and yet she still cannot get a date. For some reason men just do not want to go out with her. The only reason she can figure is it must be some hormonal imbalance or something. So she talks to her friends about it and they tell her of a Chinese doctor named Dr. Wong. Mary takes her friend's advice and goes to see Dr.Wong. While in the office she tells Dr. Wong her problem and he tells her to strip and bend over grabbing her ankles. Dr.Wong checks her over and tells her, "You have Zachary Syndrome!" She exclaims, "Oh my God! What does that mean Doctor?" The doctor replies, "Your ass rook Zachary like you face!" http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=194#post-409 Sun, 27 Feb 2005 09:02:34 +0000 Kevin 409@http://www.kevinleah.co.uk/forums/ A mans' wife has been missing for several days. He has searched for her everywhere, put up posters on every pole and formed his own search parties. He has called the police and filed a missing persons report. He has exhausted what seems to be every avenue to find his beloved spouse. One day he gets a call from the local police. The sergeant that calls tells him that he has some very bad news for him. He also has some good news, and finally he has some even better news. The man asks about the bad news which is, of course, that his wife has been found dead, dragged up from the bottom of the harbor by a local fisherman the previous night. Beside himself with grief, the man asks what could possibly be the good news in all of this. It turns out that when she was pulled up from the bottom, the woman's body had two of the largest lobsters hanging on that anyone around can ever remember seeing. The sergeant explains that as a result, all the members of the rescue unit had a truly remarkable lobster dinner the previous night. When the grieving husband then asks about the even better news, the sergeant replies, "Well, we're going to drag her up again tonight!"